old cowboy was sitting in a bar when a lesbian slid onto the stool next to him.
She asked, "You're an old cowboy, aren't you?"
He replied, "Yes, mam, and who are you?"
She answered, "I'm a lesbian. When I wake in the morning I think of women. When I'm eating I think of women. When I sleep
I dream of women."
After she left, another lady sat down next to the cowboy and asked him again if he was an old cowboy.
He scratched his head for a minute and then said, "I thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a lesbian."
What do you call a cow that doesn't give any milk?
Answer: An udder failure.
Two peanuts were
walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Barbecue: People waiting to have their hair cut
#2) Fireplace: A shooting range
#3) Kindred: Fear of one's relations see also: #57, #94, #95, #96, 226, #372
#4) Legend: A foot
Minimum: A very small mother
#6) Onward: Where a nurse works
#7) Shamrock: A fake stone see also: #56, #94, #95, #96, 226, #372
#8) Unison: An only child
panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After seemingly
enjoying his meal, he pulls out a revolver and plugs the piano player.
Ammonia: "AMMONIA little 'un."
#2) Bulletin: "He shot a BULLETIN the air."
#3) Climate: "It's so steep I'll never CLIMATE."
#4) Freeze: "FREEZE a jolly good fellow!"
#5) Harmony: "HARMONY times must I tell you?"
#6) Infamy: "He's got it INFAMY."
"JUICY what I mean?"
#2) Khaki: "I can't start the engine without the KHAKI."
#3) Major: "What MAJOR do it?"
#4) Narrow: "He shot a NARROW in the air."
#5) Rapture: I have RAPTURE parcels."
#6) Undue: "Look down and see what's UNDUE."
thunder god went for a ride on his favourite horse.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse replied: "You forgot your thaddle, thilly."
comic: I say, I say, I say, I hear your wife's gone to the West Indies. -
2nd comic: Oh no, she went of her own accord.
man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person*)
asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were
you thinking about? "The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of
$125, 000 a year, depending on the benefit package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks' vacation, full medical and dental insurance, a company retirement fund of 50% of the salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a silver Lexus?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The Human Resources person*) replied, "Sure, but you started it."
*) Human Resources person ~ personnel manager
left the court in his wheelchair with a compensation payment of half a million
dollars. The insurance detectives followed him down the street. "You won't
get away with this fraud," said one of them. "We will be watching you
for the rest of your life."
"No problem ," the man replied, "You can watch all you like. You can watch me go on my world trip . You can watch me in Lourdes and you can watch, with your own eyes, one hell of a miracle."
about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you
were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...’”
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
called to testify at the IRS*),
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest
clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" *) IRS (US): Internal Revenue Services
"Don't you see," the Rabbi replied, "no matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." = Inland Revenue (GB)
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
A: Tarzipan !
see also: CHRI$TMA$ > crackers > knock, knock > crazy questions
Q: What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
A: Grave-y !
Q: This turkey tastes like an old settee*). *) settee (BrE) = sofa
A: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine!
Q: What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A: A turkey!
Q: What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
A: My pop is bigger than yours !
What goes oh, oh, oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
Q: What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Q: What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney and the fire is still burning?
A: Crisp Kringle.
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette. “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution
to quit smoking,” his friend says.
”I'm in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
”What's phase one?” his friend asks.
”I've quit buying,” the man answers.
and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. A waitress noticed that
John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table,
while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
The waitress came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband has just slid under the table."
Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no, he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
A psychotherapist was doing great business since he started up on his own. So much so that that he could now afford to have a proper shop sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint one for him and put it above his shop entrance. But instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why. The boy had only found a small wooden board so he had split up the word into 3 words:
see also psychiatrist cartoons, index
When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm
not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should
start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
B) Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
C) Just one, but it takes nine visits.
D) How long have you been having this fantasy?"
E) "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
F) "How many do you think it takes?"
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it's all heart.
2) Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
3) Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.
4) Q: What is a ram's favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear.
5) Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
6) Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.
7) Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? see also: #343
A man bought a parrot but got annoyed because it wouldn't stop swearing. So as a punishment, he put the bird in the freezer. An hour later, the shivering parrot begged to be let out of the freezer. "I promise never to swear again," it said. "I've learned my lesson. Just tell me one thing: what on earth did that turkey do?"
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A: Yoghurt has a real live culture.
Q: What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral? see also Down Under cartoons, index
A: One less drunk at the funeral.
Q: How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb? see also joke #81 ("light bulbs") more "strine" jokes: #85, #86
A: None. It's a woman's job.
Q: Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?
A: Because their children play inside.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? see also Down Under, cartoons, index more "strine" jokes: #84, #86
A: A stick.
Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer
and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". see also Down Under, cartoons, index
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? more "strine" jokes: #84, #85
old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces his altitude
and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says. "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."
The man says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position before we met, but now it's my fault."
Judge asked the defendant, "Mr Jones, do you understand that you have
sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
Jones: "I do."
Judge: "Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
Jones: "Your Honour, under those limitations ...... NOTHING."
his seat in his chambers, the Judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So,"
he said, "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe." Both
lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You attorney Roberts, gave me $15,000. And
you attorney Heathcote, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Roberts ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness, "My side will win."
A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were discussing which was
the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore his was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible which stated that God created order from chaos. That was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering job ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest.
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created CHAOS?"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones. see also: crazy or questions (#30)
Lawsuit: A garment worn by a policeman
#10) Guillotine: Something that will give a person a pain in the neck
#11) Seasickness: Travelling by rail
#12) Dead Ringer: A disconnected telephone. (geddit?) see also: #56 ,#57, #95, #96, 226, #372
#13) Explorer: A guy who gets enough facts for a book
The place where Cleopatra lived (sorry!)
#15) Turtle: A lizard driving a mobile home
#16) Old Maid: A lady in waiting and waiting and waiting (Not PC, I'm afraid!)
#17) Filibuster [US]: A cowboy who breaks in young mares (geddit?) see also: #56 ,#57, # 94, #96, #226, #372
#18) Desk: A garbage dump with drawers
A man who tries to be everything but himself [actress: a woman ....
#20) Holy smoke: What happened when the church burned down
#21) Jury: Twelve men whose job it is to decide who is the better lawyer see also #56, #57, #94, #95, #96, #226, #372
#22) Zebra: A horse prisoner
tiger was about to eat a missionary. The tiger cornered the helpless man an then
suddenly fell on its knees and started to pray.
"It's a miracle!" exclaimed the missionary. "I'm saved. The tiger isn't going to eat me."
Just then he heard a heavenly voice say, "You are wrong. The tiger is going to eat you. He's just saying grace before his meal."
election result is too close to call," Tom recounted.
"Anyone for a pancake?" asked Tom flippantly.
"Open the soup," said Tom cannily.
"Nice lorry," Tom articulated. see also joke #59 & joke #60
"I never know what to buy in supermarkets," said Tom listlessly.
shall not leave you a penny when I die," said Tom wilfully.
"Send this back to the examiner," Tom remarked.
"I burnt the food," said Tom with panache. see also joke#59 & joke #60 & joke #98
"I'm sleeping with my gamekeeper," said the lady chattily.
Johnny was out of work, so he went from house to house asking if there were any jobs to be done. One man felt sorry for him, so he gave him a pot of yellow paint and a brush and told him to paint his porch yellow from top to bottom. When he had finished, Johnny came to the man to ask for his money. "The job is finished," he said. "And, by the way, it’s not a Porsche; it’s a Mercedes."
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer 1: Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.
Answer 2: Five. One to climb the ladder and the other four to say: “That should have been me!”
Answer 3: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say: “I could have done it better.”
Answer 4: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
How many theatre critics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, 1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.
mystery-lover takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is
way back in the theatre, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and
whispers: "I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously
anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the
clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far
away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box-office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call*) window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers: "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands him 50 p (or: a quarter).
The usher looks down at the coin, leans over and whispers: "The butler did it in the parlour with a candlestick."
*) (Schalter etc.) für reservierte Karten oder sonstige zurückgelegte Waren; die Bezahlung erfolgt bei der Abholung
Two leprechauns*) went to the convent and begged an audience with Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked Mother Superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked: "Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says Mother Superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent". "All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?" "No, no," replied Mother Superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said: "See, it's as I told you all along, you've been dating a penguin." *) leprechaun: (in Irish folklore) a small sprite = Kobold
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