18) Newslines: first news programme #1 - #8   second news programme #9 - #13


Hi folks, here is the news! (THE NEWS, PART 1)

1) Jerusalem:

     The Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon today left on a tour of friendly countries. He’ll be back  tomorrow.


2) Rome, the Vatican:

     A priest, who rode his bicycle the wrong way up the “Autostrada del Sole”, was asked how on earth  avoided an accident. He replied “God was with me”. He was further charged with having an extra  passenger on his bike.


3) London:

     It was revealed that Jack Straw the British Foreign Secretary went on a secret holiday to the Canary Islands, where he managed to remain anonymous and unrecognised. He said it was just like being at   home.

4) Baltimore, USA:

    Doctors at the renowned medical school of Hopkins University have now agreed on a scientifically  fool-proof definition of “brain death”. It is when you enjoy watching Al Bundy.


5) Dublin, Ireland:

     Three men in Ireland accused of attacking a religious shrine deny that they have ever been near the Guinness Brewery.


6) Paris, France:

     Secret government documents have been leaked to the French press that show that President Mitterand originally wanted to have three tunnels to connect France to the United Kingdom: One for exporting French produce to Britain, one for returning British goods to Britain and a third for exploding nuclear devices in.


7) Ballycastle, County Donegal, Ireland:

     Pub owner Patrick O’Brien, who practices as an amateur dentist, pulls teeth out using only whiskey  as painkiller. Customers say he isn’t much good as a dentist, but they claim he has the best mouthwash for miles around.

8) Havana, Cuba:

     Figures released today show that in Cuba, three out of every ten men work for the nationalised industry, while the other 7 sit and watch them.  

Well, here we go again! (THE NEWS, PART 2)

9) Madrid, Spain:

     Interesting statistics were published today which reveal why Spanish  husbands get out of bed at night. It seems that 5 per cent get up with insomnia, that is they can't sleep. 10 per cent get up to go to the bathroom and the remaining 85 per cent get up and go home.

10) Melbourne, Australia:

    Scientists have found new proof of the intelligence of dolphins. Dolphins, they report, are so clever that within a few weeks of being caught they can train a man to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish three times a day.

11) Ankara, Turkey:

     The experiment to try to reduce accidents on Turkish roads by using dummy policemen proved a complete success since several of the dummies have been promoted to the rank of superintendent.

12) Naples, Italy:

      The drug-smuggling gang who used fruit and vegetable trucks to distribute heroin at a motorway service station said they should have realized that the sight of fresh food at a service area was bound to arouse suspicion.

13) Washington, The White House, USA:

     President Bush is said to insist on a re-play of the German-American football match last Friday as the German side did not play by the rules. They used a funny, kinda round ball and not the standard spheroid one.                   

This should do for a start. More news will follow. More news will follow. More news will follow. More news will follow. More news will follow .                                                                                                                                                                                                    W.E.P.

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