JOKE(S) OF THE
WEEK: TENTH YEAR
http://www.wepsite.de/joke_of_the_week.htm
Joke
of the week [469 = year 10, #1] "Geddit?": (40), idiom 14
(July 11, 2011 - July 17, 2011)
Q: What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?
A: Jumping to a conclusion.* pun on the literal versus the
idiomatic meaning of to jump to a conclusion
www.dict.cc/?s=to+jump+to+the+conclusion+that
& www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/jump+to+a+conclusion.html
Joke
of the week [470 = year 10, #2] "Geddit?": (41), idiom 15
(July 18, 2011 - July 24, 2011)
Q: Why are earthquakes great actors?
A: They bring the house down.*
* pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to
bring the house down"
http://www.phrasen.com/uebersetze,to-bring-the-house-down,67137,e.html
& http://www.dict.cc/?s=bring+the+house+down
Joke
of the week [471 = year 10, #3] "Geddit?": (42), idiom 16
(July 25, 2011 - July 31, 2011)
Q: Did you hear what happened to the paper company?
A: It folded.*
*pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "to fold"
[~ to close down, to fail]
http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+fold
& http://dict.leo.org/ende?lp=ende&lang=de&searchLoc=0&cmpType=relaxed§Hdr=on&spellToler=&search=to+fold
Joke
of the week [472 = year 10, #4] "Geddit?": (43), idiom 17
(August 1, 2011 -
August 7, 2011)
Q: Why are giraffes brave?
A: Because they stick their necks out.*
*pun on the literal versus the idiomatic mening of "to stick
one's neck out"
http://www.dict.cc/?s=stick+one%27s+neck+out
& http://www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/neck+out.html?recommendation=1
Joke
of the week [473 = year 10, #5] "Luters" (sic[k] 1)
(August 8, 2011 - August 14, 2011)
Q: What do you call a group of people breaking into a music store and
helping themselves to the stringed instruments?
A: Luters*.
* sadly this very week in England, this hackneyed homophonic
pun has become grim reality: sb. playing the lute > "luter" versus
looter
Joke
of the week [474 = year 10, #6] "croaking" (sick 2)
(August 15, 2011 - August 21, 2011)
A
grandson ran up to his grandad and asked him if he could talk like a frog.
"Of course not," replied grandad. A few minutes later, his
granddaughter ran up and asked him the same question. "No, of course not.
Why are you both asking me this?" The granddaughter looked up at him and
said: "Mum said that when you croak*,
we can go to Disneyland."
*(sick) pun on the literal versus the slang meaning of
"to croak"
http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+croak
Joke
of the week [475 = year 10, #7] "famished" (sick 3)
(August 22, 2011 - August 28, 2011)
A
beggar goes up to a well-dressed lady who is just coming out of Harrods and
says, "Excuse me, madam. I haven't eaten anything in four days." She
looks at him and replies, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Joke
of the week [476 = year 10, #8] "killing pigs" (sick 4)
(August 29, 2011 - September 4, 2011)
Q:
Why do sick pigs always die?
A: Because they have to be killed before they can be cured*.
* (sick)
pun on the two meanings of "to cure"
http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cure
& http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cure+%5Bmeat+fish+etc+%5D
Joke
of the week [477 = year 10, #9] "skeleton crew" (sick 5)
(September 5, 2011 - September 11,
2011)
Q:
What happened to the ship that sank in a lake full of piranhas?
A: It returned with a skeleton crew*.
* (sick)
pun on the literal versus the idiomatic meaning of "skeleton crew"
1) http://www.dict.cc/?s=skeleton+crew
2) http://de.bab.la/woerterbuch/englisch-deutsch/skeleton-crew
3) http://www.linguee.de/englisch-deutsch/uebersetzung/skeleton+crew.html
Joke
of the week [478 = year 10, #10] "Titanic" (sick 6)
(September 12, 2011 - September 18,
2011)
Q: What do you get if you
cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About halfway.
Joke
of the week [479 = year 10, #11] "coroner" (VERY sick 7)
(September 19, 2011 - September 25,
2011)
Q:
What do you have to take to become a coroner?
A: A stiff*
exam.
* a VERY sick pun on the difference in meaning between the
adjective "stiff"(= hard, difficult) and the noun "a stiff"
(= slang for a dead body)
1) http://www.dict.cc/?s=stiff
2) A Dictionary of Slang, letter "s": http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/s.htm
Joke
of the week [480 = year 10, #12] "coroner" (VERY sick 8)
(September 26, 2011 - October 2, 2011)
Two
fishermen are sitting with their legs in the water when a shark swims up and
bites one man's leg off. "A shark has bitten my leg off!" the man
screams. "Which one?" asks the other. "How should I know, they
all look the same to me!" the first one replies.
Joke
of the week [481 = year 10, #13] "old actors never die"
(October 3, 2011 - October 9, 2011)
Old
actors never die, they just drop apart.
Joke
of the week [482 = year 10, #14] "old burglars never die"
(October 10, 2011 - October 16, 2011)
Old
burglars never die, they just steal away.
Joke
of the week [483 = year 10, #15] "old dentists never die"
(October
17, 2011 - October 23, 2011)
Old
dentists never die, they just lose their pull.
Joke
of the week [484 = year 10, #16] "old doctors never die"
(October
24, 2011 - October 30, 2011)
Old
doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Joke
of the week [485 = year 10, #17] "old chemists never die"
(October
31, 2011 - November 6, 2011)
Old
chemists never die, they just don't react anymore.
Joke
of the week [486 = year 10, #18] "old judges never die"
(November
7, 2011 - November 13, 2011)
Old
judges never die, they just cease to try.
Joke
of the week [487 = year 10, #19] "old policemen never die"
(November 14, 2011 - November 20,
2011)
Old
policemen never die, they just cop out*. *to cop out: http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cop+out
or: *to
cop it: http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+cop+it
Joke
of the week [488 = year 10, #20] "old professors never die"
(November 21, 2011 - November 27,
2011)
Old
professors never die, they just lose their faculties*.
*faculties: http://www.dict.cc/?s=faculties
Joke
of the week [489 = year 10, #21] "old frogs never die"
(November 28, 2011 - December 4, 2011)
Old
frogs never die, they just croak*. *(sick) pun on
the literal versus the slang meaning of "to croak": http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+croak
Joke
of the week [490 = year 10, #22] "old yachtsmen never die"
(December 5, 2011 - December 11, 2011)
Old
yachtsmen never die, they just keel over* *pun on the literal
versus the informal meaning of "to keel over": http://www.dict.cc/?s=to+keel+over
Joke
of the week [491 = year 10, #23] "old bricklayers never die"
(December 12, 2011 - December 18,
2011)
Old
bricklayers never die, they just throw in the trowel*.
*pun on "trowel" versus" towel"
a) www.dict.cc/?s=to+throw+in+the+towel b) www.dict.cc/?s=trowel
Joke
of the week [492 = year 10, #24] Early CHRI$TMA$ shopping
(December 19, 2011 - December 25,
2011)
It
was coming up to Christmas and the Judge was in a jolly frame of mind.
"Now then, please tell me, what is the charge against you?"
" I was caught doing my Christmas shopping very early." replied the
man in the dock.
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me. What do you mean by 'very early?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant, "It was before the
shop was open."
Joke
of the week [493 = year 10, #25] CHRI$TMA$ & NEW YEAR
(December 26, 2011 - January 1, 2012)
People
are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but
they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and
Christmas.
Joke
of the week [494 = year 10, #26] playing cards
(January 2, 2012 - January 8, 2012)
David is complaining to his friend Peter: "I was playing poker with
Bob the other night, and he kept cheating." "How do you know he was
cheating?" asks Peter. "Well," answers David, "he wasn't
playing the cards I dealt him."
Joke
of the week [495 = year 10, #27] changing a light bulb (poets)
(January 9, 2012 - January 15, 2012)
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle and one to change
the light bulb.
Joke
of the week [496 = year 10, #28] changing a light bulb (men) [naughty!*]
(January 16, 2012 - January 22, 2012)
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to listen to him brag about the screwing*.
Joke
of the week [497 = year 10, #29] changing a light bulb (jugglers)
(January 23, 2012 - January 29, 2012)
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll need three light bulbs.
Joke
of the week [498 = year 10, #30] changing a light bulb (Floridians)
(January 30, 2012 - February 5, 2012)
Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't know for sure, they are still counting.
Joke
of the week [499 = year 10, #31] changing a light bulb (archaeologists)
(February 6, 2012 - February 12, 2012)
Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Joke of the week [500!!! = year 10, #32]
changing a light bulb (witches)
(February
13, 2012 - February 19, 2012)
Q: How many witches
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
see
also:
Country & Western singers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(283).htm
Irishmen(1): http://www.wepsite.de/joke(350).htm
psychotherapists: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(351).htm
Irishmen(2): http://www.wepsite.de/joke(357).htm
politicians: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(408).htm
spin doctors: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(409).htm
poets: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(495).htm
men: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(496).htm
jugglers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(497).htm
Floridians: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(498).htm
archaeologists: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(499).htm
lawyers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(501).htm
computer programmers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(502).htm
stockbrokers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(503).htm
football managers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(504).htm
Amish: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(505).htm
actors1: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(506).htm
actors2: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(507).htm
cockroaches: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(508).htm
cops: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(509).htm
mystery writers: http://www.wepsite.de/joke(510).htm
Joke
of the week [501 = year 10, #33] changing a light bulb (lawyers)
(February 20, 2012 - February 26, 2012)
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Joke
of the week [502 = year 10, #34] changing a light bulb (computer programmers)
(February 27, 2012 - March 4, 2012)
Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a
hardware problem.
Joke
of the week [503 = year 10, #35] changing a light bulb (stockbrokers)
(March 5, 2012 - March 11, 2012)
Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it
before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Joke
of the week [504 = year 10, #36] changing a light bulb (football managers)
(March 12, 2012 - March 18, 2012)
Q: How
many football managers* does it take to change a light
bulb?
*"football manager" (in German): Fußballtrainer!
A: Who knows, they're never around long enough for anyone to find out.
Joke
of the week [505 = year 10, #37] changing a light bulb (Amish)
(March 19, 2012 - March 25, 2012)
Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
Joke
of the week [506 = year 10, #38] changing a light bulb (actors 1)
(March 26, 2012 - April 1, 2012)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Joke
of the week [507 = year 10, #39] changing a light bulb (actors 2)
(March 26, 2012 - April 1, 2012)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to say it should be me up there.
Joke
of the week [508 = year 10, #40] changing a light bulb (cockroaches)
(April 2, 2012 - April 8, 2012)
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hard to tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter.
Joke
of the week [509 = year 10, #41] changing a light bulb (cops)
(April 9, 2012 - April 15, 2012)
A: None. It turned itself in.
Joke
of the week [510 = year 10, #42] changing a light bulb (mystery writers)
(April 16, 2012 - April 22, 2012)
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to give it a good twist at the end.
TO
BE CONTINUED
W.E.P
http://www.wepsite.de/jokes.htm
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