17) The Fickenchov Interview (performed in June 2002)

I: Interviewer   F: Fickenchov

I: Good evening and welcome to our studio, Mr Fickenchov.

F: [replies something in Russian]

I: Mr Fickenchov, I understand this is  not your first time in Erlangen, you've been interviewed before.

F: Oh, yes, that was in 1986 when FUNSENSE TV interviewed me. That was when I told you that Margret Thatcher was working for our secret service, the KGB. What I didn't tell you then was that Ronald Reagan, too, was working for us.

I: Come on, that's nonsense.

F: Exactly!

I: What do you mean "exactly"?

F: Well, at that time I was [says something in Russian].

I: Sorry, I don't understand.

F: I was Minister for Nonsense and Disinformation under Gorbachev and through our agents in the White House I made Reagan say all kinds of nonsense by "doctoring" his speeches a bit.

I: Can you give us an example?

F: Do you remember when, during his visit to Berlin, Reagan said: "Mr Gorbachev, tear down that wall"?

I: Yes, sure, but how did that help YOU, the Russians?

F: Well, you see, we had a problem and his name was Honecker. So we had to work indirectly, because we, the Russians, and in particular my real boss, wanted to establish closer contacts with the West. We had already got Pepsi Cola, Coca Cola, Mac Donalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken, but that wasn't enough. We wanted more, we wanted Mercedes cars, French champagne, Gucci shoes and Armani clothes, you know, all those capitalistic luxuries and Honecker and his Wall stood between us and all those wonderful goodies.

I: Your real boss? So Gorbachev was not in charge in the Kremlin? You are not talking about Yeltzin?

F: Good heavens, no! Good old Yeltzin liked his vodka too much for that. No, my real boss was and is Vladimir Putin. Of course he and I knew that we would have to work secretly for a while, but you see how well it's all turned out in the end. We are practically partners in NATO now.

I: This is unbelievable.

F: You better believe it! Although, I must admit, it wasn't easy at times. We had no problems with Reagan and his successor, George Bush senior, because we had our people already established in the White House and so our contacts continued uninterrupted, but then Clinton got elected and things got a bit difficult and we decided we had to get rid of him and we nearly succeeded.

I: That's nonsense!

F: Exactly!

I: Well, tell me how did you go about it? How did you try to drive Clinton out of office?

F: You really don't know?

I: No, I don't. Come on, tell me.

F: I just say one word, one name, a good old Polish family name: Lewinsky!

I: It didn't quite work, though.

F: I'm afraid, that's true. So we had to make sure we got things right the next time.

I: What do you mean, the next time?

F: Well, we had to make sure that George Bush junior won the presidential election. And we did manage that.

I: YOU managed that?

F: True, George junior didn't really win in the popular vote, so we had to help a bit. We activated our Florida connection.

I: You mean his brother Jebb, who's Governor of Florida?

F: Well, of course, he was involved, too, but the main thing were the voting machines they use in that state, which are about as old-fashioned as the ones we use in Russia - IF we use them at all, haha, little joke, - so they are easy to manipulate, if you see what I mean.

I: That's nonsense!

F: Exactly! It's nonsense, but it worked.

I: I still think you're making all this up.

F: I assure you it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Putin.

I: I'll only believe you if you offer me proof of some kind that you and your people have direct access to the White House and Mr Bush's inner circle.

F: Well, that's no problem, I can show you something that'll convince you.

I: What's that?

F: Mr Bush's own, personal, private top-secret TV snacks.

I: You mean peanuts?

F: No, that was Jimmy Carter, the peanut farmer. They didn't call him "Peanuts" for nothing.

I: You got me beat, what's Bush's top-secret TV snack?

F: Here take a look: this is the official presidential tin, which contains the presidential pretzels. Come on take one.

I: (takes pretzel) Thanks. (nearly suffocates and falls to the floor)                          W.E.P.

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cf. also the skit "Hu's on first" (Condoleezza Rice briefs George W. Bush on world affairs)