St Albion Parish News, September 2003

Vale Cum Gratia!

As you may have all heard by now, the most important man in the parish has resigned. Not the Vicar, stupid! but Alastair Campbell who, since the very beginning, has edited this newsletter and been involved in every major decision of parish policy.
He is quite literally irreplaceable and it is hard to imagine the mess that this parish would be in had not Mr Campbell been there to sort everything out.
And let me say at once that Mr Campbell was in no way compromised by the sad recent events that Mr Hutton is looking into following the unfortunate death of Dr Mitty.
His departure has nothing to do with that and anyone who says differently had better watch themselves in the unlit alley that runs along the NCP car park to the bus station (known locally as Campbell Alley due to all the unfortunate mouthy parishioners who have found their legs broken in it, including that fat scumbag Gilligan).
Mr Campbell has, for some time, considered that he needed to spend more time with his wonderful partner and delightful children whom he has seen very rarely in the past due to having to rescue the stupid vicar and his gormless wife from the clutches of that evil Caplin witch and her mad mother. He was not pushed, okay? He decided to go because he felt he had achieved all he could and heís got other things to do actually.
We would like to thank Alastair from the bottom of our hearts for his truly unforgettable and invaluable contribution to parish life.
We will never see his like again. Sign this, Vicar, and Iíll put it in the magazine.






Hey, look, I mean, itís been a bit of a busy week, so you wonít be expecting a long message from me!
As you all must know by now, I took time out from running the parish (which is my job, in case some of you had forgotten!), to go down to the Church Hall to answer some of the questions to which Mr Hutton wanted answers.
Hey, I donít mind. Iím very happy to give the time to helping Mr Hutton, and donít forget, it was me who asked him to look into the sad events surrounding the death of our much-loved local GP, Dr Mitty, in the first place!
And isnít that always the best thing to do -- to talk about things, get them out into the open, clear the air and then move on?
So now we have! And thatís what I promised to do all along! There isnít time to go into the detail -- who said what to whom on such and such a date. We can leave that sort of nit-picking trivia to Mr Hutton, if he wants to go into it all. And if he wants to suggest that your Vicar was up to no good, then might I suggest that that is pretty offensive to everyone in the parish and that if it were true, then I would have to resign, which nobody wants, least of all Mr Hutton.
No. What matters is the big picture, which could not be clearer. I accept the accusation that I did nothing wrong at any stage, and I concede that my motives were always nothing more and nothing less than to serve the interests of the parish to the best of my ability, which is what I have always done!
So I hope everyone in the parish has got the message loud and clear. If there were any mistakes, which there werenít, they would not have been my mistakes (or Mr Campbellís -- thanks for adding that, Al!).
The only person who possibly has anything on his conscience in this affair is Mr Hoon.
I expect you all remember how, in Old Testament times, when things went wrong, the children of Israel took a goat out into the wilderness and left it there to die (Book of Lord Leviticus, 7.3).
We can learn a lot from these old stories, because the whole point of that, of course, was that the goat died, so that the rest of us could get on with our lives (apart, of course, from poor Dr Mitty!).
Yours in the clear,


Parish Postbag Envelope

A Letter From The Entire Parish

 Dear Vicar,

We think the time has come for you to

Yours sincerely
Your Congregation
(names supplied)

The Editor reserves the right to cut all letters demanding the Vicarís resignation on the grounds that the writers are SCUM. Do you hear me? SCUM!!! A.C.


Amazing Book Offer

Local author seeks publisher for memoirs of parish life, provisionally entitled I Know Where The Bodies Are Buried. It will be a fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the goings-on in the vestry at St Albionís. Offers invited in the region of £10 million (over to you Mrs Reebuck and Mrs Michel, our local publishers with more sense!).

Sealed bids to: A. Campbell, The Old Spinney, Memory Lane.



Hello, everyone!
You know who I am. And I know where you live. I just wanted to get that clear from the start. The reason that I am writing to you today is to let you know that very shortly you will be seeing a lot more of me around the church now that Mr Campbell has had a breakdown. It is sad but inevitable, given his history of mental illness and alcohol addiction. Anyone who saw him running in the parish Fun Run (for charity, of course) would have guessed that it was only a matter of time before he cracked up for good.
Anyway, every cloud has a silver lining and itís an ill wind that blows no one any good (Peterís Epistle to the Vicar Asking-For-His-Job-Back 7.3).
So, Iím back. Handy Mandy is here to solve the Vicarís problems -- not that he has any, letís get that straight right away!
So, remember my slogan: ďIím a fighter, not a quitter. Iím a writer, not a drinker (unlike some people who are mad as well!)Ē.

P. Mandelson,
The Handy Mandy Agency,
c/o The Vicarage*.

*Note new address.