BAGHDAD FALLS: PRESIDENT BUSH EXTENDS A HEARTFELT RADIO OLIVE BRANCH TO IRAQ'S PROUD POPULATION OF NEWLY-LIBERATED, SOON-TO-BE-CHRISTIAN, PETROLEUM-PUMPIN' EUNUCHS
Radio Statement by the President to the People of Iraq
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, people of Texraq. This is your superior
white liberator speaking. Please discontinue your anarchic orgy of looting and
burning for a few minutes in order to luxuriate in a rich sonic bath of my
Today, I have selflessly freed you from the regime of Saddam Hussein and the burden of wealth management, and
replaced them with my own velvety smooth iron grip of freedom. And while as
such, it is really you all who should be thanking me for sending so many
thousands of your friends and relatives to see that it's Jesus – not
Allahammed – who's pushing the buttons in heaven, I nevertheless wanted to
heap a few words of gratitude onto your humiliation-stooped backs.
First off, I want to thank you for coming around and accepting reality.
That whole "pride" thing you had going in the early days of this
crusade was not only momentarily embarrassing for me, it was permanently fatal
for both you and the grandmothers you took potshots from behind. In the end, it
was never my intention to exterminate all of you – just the ones who wouldn't
accept the joy of liberty. We need the bulk of you to remain alive.
I mean, who's gonna bus the tables at all the lavish US Corporate luncheons that
will soon be sprouting up all over Baghdad? Sure, we could ship over some
Mexicans – but using you people injects a certain regional flavor.
Secondly, I want to thank the statue-defacers among you. When we're
handing out the Freedom PB&J's, we'll remember your opportunistic ass
kissing. Watching you on the TV made Laura and me so proud to be the
newly-ordained Emperor and Empress of the Arabiac World. The way you managed to
stir up nearly 500 people in a city the size of Los Angeles, then cheer so
telegenically as my Marines just happened to be tearing down the only Saddam
statue in the shadow of the hotel where the Pentagon put all the TV reporters
and their cameras. That was golden. Well done. Why, people here in the US have
completely forgotten that we haven't even had time yet to plant, then "uncover"
any of those nasty old weapons of mass destruction that my daddy gave Saddam in
the first place!
Thirdly, a big shout-out to the flower hander-outers among you. The
photos of you will look wonderful in my 2004 campaign literature, and my
occupying force of leathernecks appreciates the gesture. Just don't make any
sudden movements, or they'll crack open your skull so fast, your brains will
look like a freakin' blizzard of extra-chunky babaganoush.
Fourthly, mad props to the sudden non-burning American flag wavers, and
the throngs of weeping people who I personally thought were hysterical with love
for me, but could have just been blubbering about their uncertain future,
chaotic present, and miserable corpse-strewn past.
Going forward, as you celebrate your blood-drenched freedom by joyously
frolicking in feces-contaminated drinking water, rest assured that America is
with you for the long haul. Our armies of compassionate missionaries and CEO
carpetbaggers are already en route, and look forward to long and financially
lopsided relationships with your fun-to-conquer and increasingly Christian
You deserve to enjoy free colonialized lives, unthreatened by your
neighbors Syria and Iran. And with the 2004 election still two years away –
rest assured that at least one of those suckers is going down, too. Who the hell
rules Syria anyway, Condi? al-Asad, you say? Have our people at FOX News get
crackin' on a fair and balanced documentary about that piece of shit. But I
In closing, I want you Iraqazoids to know that America will respect your
great subterranean natural resources, whose abundance and flammability are
essential to our conjoined future. We will install a government for you which
appears representative, and that protects the rights and interests of members of
my "Pioneer Club" campaign contributors,
and that one decade soon, will dispense with the charade of not being a
wholly-owned subsidiary of Arbusto Energy.
Soon, all Arabs will be able to drink Budweiser and Jack Daniels, stuff
their mouths with slice after slice of delicious and vitamin-rich Wonder Bread,
and dream of a time when their children, and thier children's children will
happily transform into the morbidly obese, incontinent automatons of the Bush
New World Order.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
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