PRIVATE EYE No 1077 (4 April - 17 April 2003): St Albion Parish News

Or should I say “Howdy!”, as my very good friend the Rev. Dubya would put it!
As everyone in the parish will now know, I have just paid a truly inspirational visit to the headquarters of the Church of the Latter-Day Morons, where I had the privilege of breaking bread with my fellow pastor, Dubya, and his loyal team of helpers, headed by Brother Rumsfeld and Sister Condy.
And what an uplifting experience it has been, to be amongst my fellow true believers who have not a shred of doubt in the righteousness of their cause and who are committed to placing the overthrow of the Evil One right at the top of their agenda.
As the Rev. Dubya put it so memorably when I heard him addressing a congregation of over 200,000 Morons, “Now is the day of reckoning drawing nigh, when the terminality of evilitude and disfunctionality shall verily come amongst us.”
We then sang that great hymn, “Mine have seen the glory of the coming of the war,” and I am not ashamed to say that there were tears in my eyes as I thought how near we now were to ridding the world for ever of the Great Satan.
Now, I know that some of you will be saying, “That’s all very well, Vicar, but when exactly will it come to pass, this great victory of which you speak?”
To which I can only reply, “O ye of little faith!”. It may be days, it may be weeks, it may be months, it may be years.
But, have no fear, of this one thing we can be certain -- that however long the road, however stony the path, however stormy the weather and sandy the desert, one day we shall see that glorious moment for which we have all striven and hoped so long (except for those who haven’t, and I think Mrs Short will know who I mean!).
And that’s when the real task will begin!
Remember the story in the Good Book about how the temple was blown up and then rebuilt again in three days?
That will be the real task ahead of us (even though it may take more than three days, and even though it may not be our task, but that of Mr Cheney and his businessmen friends!).
So, be of good cheer! These may seem dark days, but there is no reason to give in to despair.
Everything is going well, just as I said it would, even though it may not look that way.
I never said it was going to be easy! I never said it was going to be difficult!
Of course there will be setbacks and there will be mistakes.
I make no bones about it. It may look as though the whole thing is a complete shambles and that we should never have embarked on this mad crusade in the first place!
But all I can say is “Trust me”. In the words of the Good Book, know that I shall be with you, even unto the end of the world, which may be any day now!
Your brother-in-arms,