The cast:
DEVIOUS: Michael Palin
MAN: Graham Chapman
VICAR: Eric Idle
BISHOP: Terry Jones
The sketch:
(A group of Gumbys shuffle into extreme left edge of
frame. They do not move any further into the picture. After a bit of humming and
harring:)
Gumbys: Oh! And the next item is a
sketch about insurance called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance
Sketch'...
(Cut to Mr
Devious's insurance office. Devious:
and a man are sitting there.)
Devious: What do you want?
Man: Well I've come about your
special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...
Devious:
What was that?
Man: Fully comprehensive motor
insurance for one-and-eightpence.
Devious:
Oh, oh, yes ... yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You
see, it turned out not to be economically viable, so we now have a totally new
offer...
Man: What's that?
Devious:
A nude lady.
Man: A nude lady?
Devious:
Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just
want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...
Man: No, no, I don't really want
that, Mr er... Mr...
Devious:
Devious.
Man: Mr
Devious, I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive
insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin,
Devious:
Aston Martin?
Man: Yes.
Devious:
(quickly) Five hundred quid.
Man: Five hundred quid?
Devious:
Forty quid.
Man: Forty quid?
Devious:
Forty quid and a nude lady.
Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a
nude lady.
Devious:
Dirty books?
Man: No, no, look, I'm not
interested in any of that. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a
fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me
your price.
(Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands
there.)
Vicar: Knock knock.
(Cut to inside office)
Devious:
Who's there?
(Cut to outside.)
Vicar: The Reverend...
(Cut to inside.)
Devious:
The Reverend who?
Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.
(Cut to inside.)
Devious:
Oh, come in.
(The vicar enters.)
Devious:
Now then, vic. What's the trouble?
Vicar: Well, it's about this letter
you sent me.
Man: Excuse me, do I have any more
lines?
Devious:
I don't know, mush, I'll have a look in the script... (he gets script out of
drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man'?
Man: Yeah.
Devious:
No... no, you've finished.
Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he
leaves)
Devious:
(reading script) 'The vicar sits'.
(The vicar sits.)
Vicar:' It's about this letter you
sent me regarding my insurance claim.
Devious:
Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not... as yet ...totally
satisfied with the grounds of your claim.
Vicar: But it says something about
filling my mouth in with cement.
Devious:
Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.
Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry
while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
Devious:
(rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, Reverend Morrison...
in your policy... in your policy... (he opens the drawer of the filing cabins
and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a
crumpled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing
cabinet).... here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make
will be paid.
Vicar: Oh dear.
Devious:
You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know,
if you never claim is very worthwhile ... but you had to claim, and, well, there
it is.
Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.
Devious:
Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?
Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins
to sob)
Devious:
Look... Rev... I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out office. There's a good
chap.
(The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar
collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley... and wheels her
disconsolately away. Cut back to inside of office. Close-up on Devious. He gets
out some files and starts writing. Suddenly a bishop's crook slams down on the
desk in front of Devious. He looks up - his eyes register terror. Cut to reverse
angle shot from below. The bishop in full mitre and robes.)
Bishop: OK, Devious... Don't move!
Devious:
The
bishop!
etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.