CRIME: The Hold-up

BR: Bank Robber   BM: Bank Manager 

The Scene: A slightly stupid bank robber rehearses his hold-up⁽¹⁾. He storms into the bank, gets completely confused and the bank manager has to “help” him.

BR: (rehearsing, maybe in front of a mirror) Hands up, this is a hold-up! Hold up your hands, this is a stick-up⁽²⁾. Stick up your hands, this is a hold up! Give me the money! Oh, I must get that right. Give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. (repeated several times) Oh, yes that’s it. Hands up, this is a stick-up, give me the money. (repeated several times) Hands up, give me the money – that’s it. (storms into the bank) Hold hands, this is an up-stick. Up with your sticks, this is a hand-hold.

BM: I beg your pardon?
BR: I mean, this is a stick-up, a hold-stick.
BM: A hold-stick?
BR: I mean a hand-stick.
BM: Ah, I see, you mean this is a hold-up.
BR: Yes, that’s right, it’s a hold-up, yes. Up with your hands and give me your money.
BM: How?
BR: What do you mean how?
BM: How do I give you the money with my hands up?
BR: You put your hands up and give me the money. No, you give me the money and then put your hands up. Oh, I don’t know. You work it out for yourself, but give me the money.
BM: No, I don’t think I will.
BR: Come on!
BM: Why should I?
BR: I’ve got a gun, stupid!
BM: (completely unimpressed) Yes.
BR: And it’s loaded with real bullets⁽³⁾ and if I fire it, you’ll be dead, all sprawled⁽⁴⁾ on the floor – dead.
BM: Well, go on then, shoot me!
BR: Do you mean that?
BM: Yes.
BR: What, cross your heart and hope to die⁽⁵⁾?
BM: Cross my heart and hope to die.
BR: Oh, stop messing about! Give me the money.
BM: No.
BR: But you don’t understand, I don’t want to shoot you.
BM: I know that.
BR: You see, you are supposed to be terrified of my threats.
BM: I see.
BR: And I waggle⁽⁶⁾ the gun.
BM: Hmmm.
BR: And you give me the money. And then I run out with the bag.
BM: Of course.
BM: But if I take the wrong one you call me back and give me the right one.
BM: Yes.
BR: All right then, shall we do it again?
BM: Right.
BR: Close your eyes. I won’t go all the way out, I’ll just go a little way …. (pretends to come again) Up with your hands, and give me your money! (alarm bell rings) What did you press that for? It’s the alarm bell.
BM: I know.
BR: The police will be round here any minute.
BM: You better be quick!
BR: Will they take me away and put me in prison?THE BOTTOM
BM: Well, hurry up and go away then.
BR: What, without the money?
BM: Yes, hurry up, they’ll be here any moment.
BR: No, I won’t go!
BM: Get on, you idiot. I don’t want you to go to prison.
BR: (slightly stupid, with a trusting and knowing undertone) I know you don’t.
BM: Go away, then!
BR: (stubborn) No, I’m not going!
BM: (both commanding and pleading) Go on!
BR: (stubborn) No!
BM: (pleading) Go on!
BR: (stubborn, unmoved by BM’s pleading) Won’t go!
BM: Go on!
BR: Shan’t!!!
BM: (giving in) All right then, take the money.
BR: Thanks! (Takes the money and runs off.)

1) hold-up: Raubüberfall     2) stick-up (informal): Raubüberfall      3) bullet: PRONUNCIATION! [u]      4) sprawled: ausgestreckt 
5) cross my heart and hope to die: großes Ehrenwort   6) to waggle: wedeln, fuchteln

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