Sketch # 8   "The Argument Sketch"               www.pythonline.com                [3:59]

The “The Argument Sketch” is always  good for a laugh, but it only works if the exchange of "did" - "didn't" and
"Yes, it is" - "No, it isn't" is rattled off at top speed.

CUSTOMER (male/female): C     RECEPTIONIST (male/female): R     INSULTER (male/female): I ARGUER (male/female): A

C: (customer to receptionist) I'd like to have an argument, please.
R:
Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
C:
No, I haven't. This is my first time.
R:
I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
C:
Well, what is the cost?
R:
Well, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
C:
Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R:
Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Hm, Mr. Bakey is free, but he's a little bit conciliatory(1).
   
Ah, yes. Try Mr. Barnard, room 12.                                                  
(1) conciliatory: versöhnlich
C:
Thank you. (Goes to room with insulter)                                          (2) snotty-faced: rotznasig
 
I: (very rudely) What do you want?!                                                     (3) parrot droppings: Papageienscheiße
C:
Well, I was told outside that ..                                                            (4) festering: eiternd.
I:
Don't give me that, you snotty-faced(2) heap of parrot droppings(3)!     (5) gob [BrE, infml]: Maul, Schnauze
C:
What?
I:
Shut your festering(4) gob(5), you tit(6)! Your type really makes me puke(7), you vacuous, toffee-nosed(8),
   
malodorous
(9) pervert!
C:
Look, I came here for an argument. I am not going to just                     6) tit [here] git [BrE, slang]: Depp
I:
(completely changed) Oh, oh! I am sorry, but this is Abuse (10).           (7) to puke: kotzen
C:
Oh, I see - well, that explains it.                                                            (8) toffee-nosed [BrE, infml]: hochnäsig
I:
Ah yes, you want room 12A, just along the corridor.                              (9) malodorous: stinkend
C:
Oh, thank you very much. Sorry.                                                         (10) abuse [noun]: Beschimpfung(en)
I:
Not at all.
C: Thank you.(Leaves Abuse room and goes to Arguer’s desk)
I:
(aside) Stupid git(6)!
C:
(knocks)

A: Come in.

C: Is this the right room for an argument?

A: I've told you once.

C: No, you haven't.

A: Yes, I have.

C: When?

A: Just now.

C: No, you didn't.

A: I did.
C:
Didn't.
A:
Did.
C: You didn't.
A: I'm telling you I did.
C: You did NOT!

A:
Oh, I'm sorry - just a moment. Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour?

C: Oh. Just the five minutes.

A: Ah. Thank you. - Anyway, I did.

C: You most certainly did not.
A:
Look, let's get this thing clear. I quite definitely told you.
C:
No, you did not.
A:
Yes, I did.
C:
No, you didn't.
A:
Yes, I did.
C:
 No, you didn't.
A:
Yes, I did.
C:
  No, you didn't.
A:
Yes, I did.
C:
You didn't!
A:
  Did!
C:
Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A:
  Yes, it is.
C:
  No, it isn't! It's just contradiction.
A:
  No it isn't.
C:
  It is.
A:
  It is not.
C:
  Look, you just contradicted me.
A:
  I did not.
C:
  Oh, you did!
A:
  No, no, no!
C:
  You did, just then!
A:
  Nonsense.
C:
  Oh look, this is futile(11).                                                                             (11) futile: vergeblich, sinnlos
A:
  No it isn't.
C:
  I came here for a good argument.
A:
  No, you didn't. No, you came here for an argument.
C:
  Well, an argument isn't just contradiction.
A:
  Can  be.
C:
  No, it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition(12).
A:  No, it isn't.

C:
  Yes, it is. It's not just contradiction.                                                  (12) proposition [here]: These
A:
  Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
C:
  Yes, but that's not just saying "No, it isn't".
A:
  Yes it  is!
C:
  No, it isn't. Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is  just the automatic gainsaying(13)
      
 of any statement the other person makes.                             13) to gainsay [formal]: widersprechen
A:  No, it isn't.                              
C:  Yes, it is!
A:  Not at all.
C:  Now, look here ...

A:
  (Strikes bell on his desk, smiles brightly) Good morning!
C:
  What?
A:
  That's it. Good  morning.
C:
  But I was just getting interested.
A:
  Sorry, but the five minutes are up.
C:
  That was never five minutes.
A:
  I'm afraid it was.
C:
  It wasn't!
A:
  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue any more.
C:
  What?
A:
  If you want me to go on arguing, you'11 have to pay for another 5 minutes.
C:
  Yes, but that was never five minutes just now. Oh, come on!
A:
  (hums, aloof, twiddles his thumbs etc.)

C:  Look, this  is ridiculous.

A:  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue, unless you’ve paid.
C:
  Oh, all right. (Hands over banknote.)
A:
  Thank you.
C:
  Well?
A:
  Well what?
C:
  That wasn't really five minutes just now.
A:
  I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
C:
  But I just paid.
A:
  No, you didn't.
C:
  I did !!!
A:
  No, you didn't.
C:
  Look, I don't want to argue about ...
A:
  But you didn't pay.
C:
  Aha !!! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I've got you now!

A:  (pauses briefly) No, you haven't.

C:  Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must, have paid.
A:
  Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.         [ET CETERA AD INFINITUM !!!]

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