Sketch # 8 "The Argument Sketch" www.pythonline.com [3:59]
The “The Argument Sketch” is always
good for a laugh, but it only works if the exchange of "did" -
"didn't" and
"Yes, it is" - "No, it isn't" is rattled off at top speed.
CUSTOMER (male/female): C
RECEPTIONIST (male/female): R INSULTER
(male/female): I ARGUER (male/female): A
C: (customer to receptionist) I'd like
to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
C: No, I haven't. This is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or
were you thinking of taking a course?
C: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but
only eight pounds for a course of ten.
C: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started
off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Hm, Mr.
Bakey is free, but he's a little bit conciliatory(1).
Ah, yes. Try
Mr. Barnard, room 12.
(1) conciliatory: versöhnlich
C: Thank you. (Goes to room with insulter)
(2)
snotty-faced: rotznasig
I: (very rudely) What do you want?!
(3)
parrot droppings: Papageienscheiße
C: Well, I was told outside that ..
(4)
festering: eiternd.
I: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced(2) heap of parrot droppings(3)! (5) gob [BrE, infml]: Maul, Schnauze
C: What?
I: Shut your festering(4) gob(5), you tit(6)! Your type really makes me puke(7), you vacuous, toffee-nosed(8),
malodorous(9) pervert!
C: Look, I came here for an argument. I am not going to
just
6) tit [here] ≈ git [BrE, slang]: Depp
I: (completely changed) Oh, oh! I am sorry, but
this is Abuse (10).
(7) to puke: kotzen
C: Oh, I see - well, that explains it.
(8)
toffee-nosed [BrE, infml]: hochnäsig
I: Ah yes, you want room 12A, just along the corridor.
(9)
malodorous: stinkend
C: Oh, thank you very much. Sorry.
(10) abuse [noun]: Beschimpfung(en)
I: Not at all.
C: Thank you.(Leaves Abuse room and goes to Arguer’s
desk)
I: (aside) Stupid
git(6)!
C: (knocks)
A: Come in.
C: Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I've told you once.
C: No, you haven't.
A: Yes, I have.
C: When?
A: Just now.
C: No, you didn't.
A: I did.
C: Didn't.
A: Did.
C: You didn't.
A: I'm telling you I did.
C: You did NOT!
A: Oh, I'm sorry - just a moment. Is this a five-minute
argument or the full half hour?
C: Oh. Just the five minutes.
A: Ah. Thank you. - Anyway, I did.
C: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear. I quite definitely told
you.
C: No, you did not.
A: Yes, I did.
C: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did.
C: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did.
C: No, you
didn't.
A: Yes, I did.
C: You didn't!
A: Did!
C: Oh
look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes,
it is.
C: No,
it isn't! It's just contradiction.
A: No
it isn't.
C: It
is.
A: It
is not.
C: Look,
you just contradicted me.
A: I
did not.
C: Oh,
you did!
A: No, no, no!
C: You
did, just then!
A: Nonsense.
C: Oh
look, this is futile(11).
(11) futile: vergeblich, sinnlos
A: No
it isn't.
C: I
came here for a good argument.
A: No,
you didn't. No, you came here for an argument.
C: Well,
an argument isn't just contradiction.
A: Can
be.
C: No,
it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish
a proposition(12).
A: No, it isn't.
C: Yes,
it is. It's not just contradiction.
(12)
proposition [here]: These
A: Look,
if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
C: Yes,
but that's not just saying "No, it isn't".
A: Yes
it is!
C: No,
it isn't. Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying(13)
of any statement the other
person makes.
13) to
gainsay [formal]: widersprechen
A: No, it isn't.
C: Yes, it is!
A: Not at all.
C: Now, look here ...
A: (Strikes
bell on his desk, smiles brightly) Good morning!
C: What?
A: That's
it. Good morning.
C: But
I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry,
but the five minutes are up.
C: That
was never five minutes.
A: I'm
afraid it was.
C: It
wasn't!
A: I'm
sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue any more.
C: What?
A: If
you want me to go on arguing, you'11 have to pay for another 5 minutes.
C: Yes,
but that was never five minutes just now. Oh, come on!
A: (hums,
aloof, twiddles his thumbs etc.)
C: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm
sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue, unless you’ve paid.
C: Oh,
all right. (Hands over banknote.)
A: Thank
you.
C: Well?
A: Well
what?
C: That
wasn't really five minutes just now.
A: I
told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
C: But
I just paid.
A: No,
you didn't.
C: I
did !!!
A: No,
you didn't.
C: Look,
I don't want to argue about ...
A: But
you didn't pay.
C: Aha
!!! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I've got you now!
A: (pauses briefly) No, you haven't.
C: Yes,
I have. If you're arguing, I must, have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
[ET CETERA AD INFINITUM !!!]
______________________________________________________THE BOTTOM LINE____________________________________________________